One of the semi-destructive behaviors I have started to exhibit as a result of my depression is spending money. Buying something new gives me a short high, a feeling of goodness and lightness. Unfortunately the feeling never lasts long, and I frequently regret having made the purchase in the first place. Several items I’ve recently purchases haven’t worked the way I wanted, or for some other reason didn’t satisfy, and have been taken back.
In no particular order, here is a partial list of things I’ve nearly bought recently. Items marked with a (*) were bought only to be returned later.
The Jackal is a remake of the classic 1973 version. The earlier version is altogether better. This Bruce Willis version is fairly well done, and the addition of Sidney Poitier brings the movie up a full notch. Still, it has none of the elan of the first movie.
Rating: If you watch this version you must watch the original
There is nothing about The Specialist that stands out. The acting is ordinary, even sub-par, the plot is highly predictable, and the action is watery at best.
Rating: No socially redeeming value
For most of my working career I’ve worn glasses. And since 2003 those glasses have been bifocals. The eye doctor describes my prescription as “interesting.” I’m farsighted and I have astigmatisms in each eye.
Being farsighted, it turns out, has nothing to do with the distance between you and the objects you are viewing, it has to do with where the focal point of the lens in your eyes lands. Farsighted means the focal point (the place of optimum focus) is behind the retina. Basically you can’t see anything, up close or far away.
Astigmatism means the curvature of the eye is not spherical. The best example is that it is football shaped and not basketball shaped. A football has one radius side to side and a different radius end to end. Astigmatic eyes are oddly shaped.
My prescription number is only 20/40 but the combination of farsightedness and a different astigmatism in each eye means my brain has a hard time figuring out what is in focus and what isn’t. The glasses cancel out the worst of the opposing astigma (is that a word?) and I can see. More or less. The problem with bifocals is that what I need to see is usually in the other half of the lens so I am constantly having to move my head to see clearly. This problem is most evident at work where I work on a huge 21" monitor and am unable to see all of the screen at once through the bifocal lens.
A couple of weeks ago I set out to get contact lens thinking that would eliminate the constant bobbing of my head at work just to see the whole screen. I talked to everyone I knew who wore contacts to get their experience. More than once I heard that astigmatism was difficult to correct with contacts. And one friend suggested I look into LASIK eye surgery. Today I had my LASIK evaluation and it turns out I am an excellent candidate for that type of corrective procedure. The doctor was very patient and answered all of my questions, and explained to me what they would do to correct my vision.
He confirmed what I had already heard about contacts and astigmatism; due to the “ridge” in my eye the lens would tend to skate around rather than seating properly and would never really work. He also said that due to my need for excellent up close vision that they would follow the “mono eye” process. Basically my dominate eye (the left one) will be corrected to 20/20 vision eliminating the farsightedness once and for all. And they will correct the dual curvature caused by the astigmatism as well. The right eye will have the astigmatism removed and will be made slightly nearsighted, providing me with the up close vision I desire. Apparently my brain will figure out which eye to use in a given situation and switch as needed.
I’ve known at least one person who had mono contact lens that worked on the same principle: one lens for close and one for far. The doctor assured me that 90-95 percent of all mono patients quickly adapt to the re-tasking of their eyes. And that, if I didn’t adjust or wasn’t happy with the result, he could reshape the right eye to be 20/20 like the left one. At no additional charge. All of this seems very science fiction-ish to me, but given that hundreds of thousands of people have had this procedure performed, and that he himself has done nearly 10,000 operations, I think it’ll all work out perfectly. Due to some scheduling constraints I won’t be able to have the procedure done until the third week in March, but I am already looking forward to taking my glasses off for the last time.
As a boy my haircuts were done by my father. Being the mid-sixties his task was fairly easy, a “burr” haircut doesn’t require a lot of talent. And at that age I really wasn’t overly concerned about the appearance of my hair to others. Of course there are pictures of oddly thatched hair and cowlicks as he tried to leave my hair longer so it could be combed. By the time I reached junior high I was getting my hair done at the barber shop. It was a vastly different experience.
The barber shop my father used was a male place from top to bottom. Not a unisex salon like you find today, but a four-seat “high and tight” kind of establishment. The magazine selection for waiting customers included Playboy and Penthouse. As an adolescent just discovering the wide world of adulthood the open display of those magazines was both embarrassing and enticing. The receptionist/hair wash girl was an exercise in tight fitting clothes and overt sexuality as well. I began to see my father in a new light as a result of my introduction to a men’s barbershop. The haircuts were good too.
Throughout college I largely ignored my hair. I got it cut maybe two or three times a year. My bangs reached my chin and in the back it was shoulder length. However as I got ready to start interviewing for jobs I had it cut short once again. Mostly I visited those $6 or $7 haircut places and took potluck on the stylist. While these maybe great training grounds for the freshly minted hair stylist, you can’t depend on getting a good hair cut. Eventually I landed at a good salon, and found a stylist who had done men’s hair and my haircuts improved as a result.
In each of the cities we lived in, Michele and I always managed to find a salon where we could both get our hair cut. She was expert at finding the best local shop and I enjoyed good haircuts as a result. Most recently I’ve been getting my haircut by a gifted barber who uses a variety of razors to cut my hair. They are some of the best haircuts I’ve ever had. Last week when I called for a new appointment I discovered he has quit the business, and taken my haircut with him.
You see, in each instance I’ve described and all the ones I haven’t, the haircut I get isn’t really mine. Sure, the hair is mine, and the look is mine, but I can’t recreate it without the stylist or barber. Any time I’ve moved or changed barbers I’ve lost my haircut in the process. Not a big deal to be sure, but something I am aware of nonetheless. With the loss of my latest haircut I am very tempted to return to my haircut roots (so to speak) and cut it myself using a set of clippers and a #3 comb. In an odd sort of way that would be the first haircut in my life that was truly mine.
Of course it may look pretty odd too.
This evening, right after I arrived home, my father called to fill me in on my mother’s condition. Almost 14 months after the initial tumor was discovered in her lung, and after it responded so quickly to the chemotherapy and radiation treatments, her breathing was short and labored again. In short the cancer has returned. One lung has collapsed and they aspirated a quart of fluid from that lung and the surrounding chest area. Her medical oncologist indicated that no amount of treatment is going to stop this cancer, all he can provide is some relief. Left untreated he felt she would live for perhaps two months. With once a week treatments no one knows what her life expectancy will be.
My mother is dying.
I was already planning to travel to Illinois for her birthday in mid-March, and I may make other trips as time, and her condition, allows. I am still reeling in many ways from Michele’s death, and now I have to prepare myself for mom’s death. In the case of my wife we always talked about everything, and told each other time and again how we felt. I have no regrets about things left unsaid. I cannot say the same for my mother. Like all adult children, my relationship with my parents is complex. Sorting through the maze of feelings and thoughts I have about mom over the coming weeks and articulating the ones I need in order to care for myself will not be an easy task. My fear is that there are some hard things to say, hard things to hear, that I need to find closure on before she dies.
On the one hand I feel like I shouldn’t burden her with any of my stuff between now and her death. On the other hand, if I don’t make peace with her now, I’ll never get the chance again. Recently I saw a quote about “managers want to do it the right way, leaders want to do the right thing,” or words to that effect. This is the juncture I find myself at tonight. Do I do this the “right” way in the eyes of society? Or do I do the “right” thing for me?
As one of Michele’s quotes says, not only is life a bitch, she has puppies.
After a long hiatus I’ve decided to start tracking my income and expenses again. A recent review of iBank caused me to download and demo it. Liking what I saw in the demo I made the purchase and downloaded all my transactions from December on and set up my accounts. Once I had the import rules and categories tweaked to suit me I ran a ‘bank statement reconciliation."
Part way through the process it occurred to me how absurd this activity was. I was taking a bank generated statement of transactions from the mail and comparing it to a bank generated list of transactions in iBank. Hmm. Of course it’s going to reconcile. How utterly silly.
Still it gave me a better feel for the transactions cleared in the last sixty days or so, and I was able to clean up some of the categories. Oddly enough “computer” and its sub-categories “software”, “hardware”, and “supplies” is one of the large expenses on my budget. Imagine.
As for iBank… I give it a 7 out of 10. Developed exclusively for Mac OS X it looks, feels, and behaves like a Mac application should. At release 2 in its life-cycle it is mature enough to offer most features I wanted for basic money management. The only item missing is direct downloading of transactions from the bank. The provided import function does work very smoothly once you have the data file downloaded manually.
One of the technical books in my current reading rotation is Prefactoring: Extreme Abstraction - Extreme Separation - Extreme Readability by Ken Pugh. Whereas refactoring pertains to improving code, Prefactoring deals with bettering design. I’ve always been fascinated by the processes that develop in and around software development, formal or informal, and this book is giving me new insights about the process of design.
Rating: Required reading if you use the words software and design in a sentience
For whatever reason this evening, my mood is up for a change. I’m not really sure why tonight should be any different than any other night, but it is; not that I am complaining. When my mood is upbeat I feel lighter and better.
My awareness of the reality of my situation hasn’t diminished, I’m just not in a place where it is totally figure. I think our minds periodically take a break from huge amounts of stress as a self preservation tactic. It almost as if we disassociate from reality just for while to protect the fabric of our sanity from ripping. I’m making good use of my mood, doing some chores that I’ve been putting off for a while. Little things that actually take good care of me but that I’ve been neglecting out of ennui.
Part of it, I think, is not looking too far ahead. Most days it is enough to just see the day and no more. When I start to think about the future is when I start to get really down. Tomorrow is an unobtainable fantasy. Always looking towards the next day, whether you think it will be better or worse than today, is not living. It’s waiting. For now I need to live, and live in the moment. I’ll worry about tomorrow, tomorrow.
I recently added Secondhand Lions to my collection of DVDs. Michele and I first saw this gem in the theater and I have wanted a copy ever since. While it doesn’t add anything to the boy coming of age story, it is beautifully acted and staged. We could all do with uncles like Garth and Hub.
Rating: Fun for everyone