This is the 500th posting to zanshin.net since I started using the domain as a blog in late 1999. Originally a place to try and attract people to read my thoughts, this weblog has grown into an essential part of my self-maintenance routine. Whenever I need to understand a thought or emotion at a deeper level I put it into words, and those words find a home here. Knowing that anyone with Internet access can read them is nice, but for me the real importance of posting here is the feeling of permanence that is added by putting my inner self down into words. The mechanical process of typing coupled with the mental process of organizing my thoughts has more than once led me to new understand of myself.
Not bad for a medium that largely smoke and mirrors.
In early December 2004 my mother was diagnosed with lung cancer. She had been suffering a shortness of breathe for a few weeks, and after a series of tests to eliminate other causes a chest x-ray revealed the tumor. Further images located it up against and around her pulmonary artery, making surgical removal impossible. Early indications also point towards involvement of the lymph system under both arms, meaning it has already spread further than surgery could ever hope to eradicate. The team of doctors all agree that containment and control are the only medical options open to her.
My mother is going to die from lung cancer.
We don’t know the time frame for anything other than the initial round of chemotherapy and radiation treatments. Mom isn’t asking; her approach is to take this day by day. I can’t say that I blame her, and I fully support her right to die in a manner that suits her.
On Christmas Day, Michele and I traveled to central Illinois to spend part of the day with my family. Mom hadn’t started the chemotherapy yet, and was still having a great deal of difficulty breathing. Christmas has always been a rather tortured holiday for my family since my sister’s death on December 25th, 31 years ago. Having the spectre of cancer looming over us once again, and seeing my mom in such distress, was awful.
My family isn’t over communicative about most things, and an elephant as large a lung cancer parked in the living room, goes remarkable unnoticed. In order to keep my sanity as I process the death of my mother I have decided to write about it here on my website. I find solace at times in the mechanics of putting my thoughts and emotions down on paper (as it were) for posterity.
I have started calling her more often, and I am planning on opening a dialog via email. I am doing this for purely selfish reasons; I need to be at peace with my relationship with my mom before she dies. Amy died so abruptly, and without any fore knowledge on my part, that it took me decades to come to terms with her passing. I have known and understood ever since Amy’s death that all the people I knew were going to die eventually. Knowing that, and being prepared for it, it turns out, are two different realities altogether.
Thanks to Google, MSN, and Yahoo, there’s a new tool to fight comment and referer spam: the no follow tag.
MovableType already has a plugin that works simply by dropping it in place.
To celebrate I have uncommented the comment link, and open comments for this posting. I realize that spam will continue for a time, but with the major search engines no longer cataloging it from inside comments (or on referer pages) most of the incentive will be gone.
In late November my mother-in-law was admitted to the hospital after collapsing at home. She had been weakened almost to the point of death by an unchecked and undiagnosed bleeding ulcer. After a short stay in the hospital to receive blood transfusions, she has been recuperating in a nursing home. To call my mother-in-law stubborn, secretive, and more than a little paranoid, would not be putting too fine a point on her personality. The forced invasion of medical and social services personnel has heightened her personality quirks.
Preferring to live well outside the light of normal interactions with government agencies or medical providers, Mom had no real safety net in place. Two years ago Michele put into place Medicare part B, as her mom couldn’t (or wouldn’t) do this for herself. Based on information from the medical staff who has examined her mother, Michele realized that her mom could no longer function safely on her own. At the very least her mother required regular in-home care visits, and for the time being she really needed to stay in the nursing home. Her blood counts were dangerously off, and the risk of stroke or embolism were high. All of this care would require more than Medicare would cover.
Michele undertook the complicate and time consuming process of qualifying her mother for Medicaid. Each move her mother made, from ICU to general care, from hospital to nursing home, has resulted in at least one change in social worker. Michele has had to start the process of getting services and coverage for her mom over and over again. She has had to deal with more or less helpful case workers; some are cheerful while others are rudely intrusive. Along the way she has become the focal point for all the emotional angst from her mother’s sisters, and from her own brother. Not to mention the increasingly hostile responses from her mom, who wants no part of any of this.
Every day for weeks now Michele has set aside her emotions about the wanning days of her mother’s life in order to coax, cajole, finesse, bully, plead, navigate, grovel, and push her way through the thickets of red tape surrounding her mother. Every day I see the toil this herculean task has taken on my wife. The unrelenting, unending nature of this task has eaten away at her limited reserves. She is totally spent, and the end is no where in sight yet.
What is most amazing to me, and the reason for this posting, is to record the amazing grace Michele has shown consistently throughout this ordeal. Over and over she has allowed her mother, or aunts, or brother to vent their frustrations while never getting a place to vent her own, with them, in return. She has been courteous in the face of a vast and seemingly uncaring bureaucracy, and she hasn’t once taken out any of her anger, fear, or depression on anyone else. I’m not saying that she hasn’t broken down and cried, or raged, or been depressed. On the contrary, she vents almost daily about the absurdity and lunacy of the entire situation, but she does so in ways that are appropriate and healthy.
I am honored to have been a small part of her efforts to provide a comfortable, stable, and relatively safe environment for her mother. And I have been privileged to the safe place where Michele can fall when it all gets to be too much to bear. I have a new standard for grace to use in my life.
And that standard is my beautiful, incredible, wonderful wife, Michele.
For almost two years now my mouse of choice has been a Kensington Wireless Pocket Mouse Pro. This mouse was nearly perfect for me. The size was right in my hand, the scroll wheel had a positive notched feel has it turned without making any annoying click, and the USB dongle stowed neatly inside the mouse for travel. There were two slight drawbacks to the Pocket Mouse: the USB dongle was “L” shaped, causing it to partial block neighboring plug ins on the back side of my Powerbook. Even though the long part of the “L” swiveled it still got in the way. And the automatic power saver feature caused a significant delay when first using the mouse after it had been idle long enough to “go to sleep.”
This past week the scroll wheel suddenly disengaged from what ever mechanism that made it work; turning freely and without effecting the computer in any way. I make heavy use of the scroll function, and have the wheel click set to Command-click; losing these functions ruined the mouse.
Fall Back Mouse My fall back mouse is also from Kensington: a wired Pocket Mouse. This was the first USB mouse I purchased after getting the Powerbook two years ago. I was attracted to the retractable cord and plug storage built into the side of the mouse. Unfortunately the scroll wheel made a surprisingly loud click as it ratcheted its way around its axis. Also, the sides of the mouse were translucent allowing the flashing of the positioning laser to leak out. Having an intermittent flash of light in your peripheral vision takes some getting used to, and in the end I upgraded to the Wireless Pocket Mouse Pro.
A Quest for Bluetooth Yesterday, while I was idling at home waiting for a new contract to bill against for work, I went out in search of a new mouse. My aim was to get a Bluetooth PC Card to insert in the heretofore unused PC Card slot in my Powerbook. Then, not only could I use a Bluetooth mouse, but I could (over time) upgrade my cell phone and perhaps PDA to models with Bluetooth capability and gain wireless synchronization for those devices. The Micro Center here had a BTMouseJr that I really liked the looks of, and they had a Bluetooth PC Card whose packaging claimed Mac OS X compatibility. $112 later I was on the way home with my new toy.
After 10 minutes with a sharp pair of scissors I had managed to destroy the impregnable packaging enough to free the PC Card, its install CD, and its “manual.” The card inserted into the slot on my Powerbook and immediately starting flashing a “Here I am” blue light. However, none of the Mac OS X included Bluetooth utilities recognized that there was a Bluetooth device attached. The install CD was useless has it contained only Windows drivers, and the “manual”, while printed in five languages, provided no help either. A few minutes with Google made it apparent that I wasn’t going to get the PC Card to work. Apple doesn’t provide a native driver for Bluetooth PC Cards, and the only open source one I could find provided limited functionality for 3com cards only. After fishing the blister packaging out of the trash and washing it off, I returned the mouse and the card to the store.
After leaving Micro Center my wife suggested that I try Comp-USA or Best Buy to see if they had any replacements identical to the wheelless Pocket Mouse. We struck out at both stores, but I ended up buying a Targus Bluetooth Mini Mouse with Bluetooth Adaptor. The adaptor in question is a tiny little USB dongle that sticks straight out of the port. The mouse itself is small. With the pads of my fingers on the buttons, the body of the mouse doesn’t even extend to my palm. After the initial Bluetooth pairing process, the mouse seemed to work fine. Unfortunately, the scroll wheel isn’t recognized at all. And Targus doesn’t appear to offer a Mac driver either.
To add insult to injury, the mouse refused to bind to its own Bluetooth adaptor after the computer has been asleep. Repeated attempts to reconnect failed. So back to the store for it.
Having resigned myself to living with a dongle as antenna, sticking out of the back of my laptop, I am prepared today to return the $90 Targus mouse to Best Buy, and return to Micro Center to re-buy the MacAlly mouse I originally wanted, along with a third party USB Bluetooth dongle. While not as slick as using a largely internal PC Card, this combination will get me the mouse I desire, and open up the world of Bluetooth communications to me.
A note about trackpads I considered abandoning a mouse altogether for the built-in trackpad. I have experimented with the trackpad ever since getting the laptop. My single largest complaint stems from my occasionally touching the pad while typing, thus moving the insertion point in the document. Not really the trackpad’s fault but annoying in any event. I have been using the SideTrack driver from Raging Menace for a couple of weeks. It allows you to map portions of the trackpad to act as scroll areas, or right-, or double-click hotspots. On the whole I think this works rather well, but I can’t seem to gain the second-nature comfort I have with an external mouse.
Recently I added a beefed up htaccess file to my site to give me another tool to fight the pond scum defacing it with referer spam. Initially it was a few lines of code borrowed from examples I found.
In less than a month it has grown significantly. There are over 100 Rewrite conditions to display a “403 Forbidden” error page to bogus referer attempts. And there are 40 odd IP addresses that are banned explicitly.
I realize that fighting spam is for all intents and purposes a losing battle. The pond scum spewing forth the spam have automated tools and no conscience. For them it isn’t a personal thing; that the script they downloaded effectively visits their electronic graffiti on my site has nothing to do with me. Still it offends me that my bandwidth (and therefore my money) is being used to promote their filth. I expect that my htaccess file will continue to grow.
I could take down the referer pages altogether, but that would deprive me of the ego stroking I get from seeing the counters grow everyday. It would also feel like giving up to the bullies that are abusing my pages.
And it gives me something to joust at; a windmill to tilt.
After weeks of uncertainty and indecision I finally have settled on a direction for my professional future. Instead of returning to Illinois and the known situation there I am going to take a leap of faith and pursue a new direction in my professional life here in Kansas.
Returning to Illinois was very real and possible. I successfully completed the interview process with the consulting firm and the government client; the contract was mine for the taking. For the cost of another move we could have returned to the life we had until March 2004. The same pay, the same house, everything back to the way it was before. Only the past six months have given us enough distance to see some of the ongoing costs of that life, and to see the damage those costs were inflicting upon us. I think the final piece in the decision for me was our trip to Illinois for Christmas. All of the tension and turmoil from unexpressed emotion there overwhelmed both of us. I felt awkward and strange with my own family. The callus I had developed over the past four years was worn away, and I was exposed to their true impact. Returning there to live again would exact a terrible price in terms of my emotional well-being, and from my relationship with my wife.
Staying here in Kansas and making a go of this new opportunity has costs as well. Losing our house and the investment it represents is a bitter pill to swallow, but it is offset by the long-term nature of the engagement here. I’ll be 44 on my next birthday, and I have already worked 21 years. Another 21 will see me to age 65. It is time to start putting some pieces of my retirement firmly into place. Working for myself seemed like a way to accelerate the process of being able to retire, in actuality it may have set me back ten or more years. If the definition of insanity is repeating actions hoping for a different outcome, then returning to Illinois hoping it’ll be different this time is insane.
Giving up on the contract in Illinois was not easy. Knowing that it only represented six months of employment before hoping for a renewal made it easier to pass. The engagement here has a firm contract for the next year, and projected work for the next seven to ten years. The opportunity to work for a major national player, with all the benefits and perks, feels good in the short-term. And ultimately will prove to be good for me in the long-term.
In the end staying here and following the path that starts here is saying to the world that I assume responsibility for myself and my life. Yes, there is risk here; there is also reward here. There is, I feel, a greater risk now and in the future in Illinois. So I am taking responsibility for myself and my family, and staking a claim on the path here.
De-lovely is a wonderful musical love-story. Kevin Kline astounds as Cole Porter in this de-lightfully presented story of his life, his music, and his love.
UPDATED: 1.2.2005: I’ve added a whole new page to track the books and films I watch this year. Films are entered on the day they are watched, books on the day they are started.
I find myself in a real pickle all of a sudden. Frequent readers here will know that after losing my contract in March 2004 I spent 3 months looking for employment and ended up moving at the last minute possible to Kansas City for a contract here. The work is okay, actually better than most places, and we are slowly starting to recover from the shock of unemployment and the move.
Still we have lingering doubts which most often find expression in a desire to return to our former life in Illinois. Towards that end I have pursued several employment options in and around central Illinois. Most of these haven’t worked out, but today I got an email I thought I’d never see; one telling me that I’ve won the bid for a contract in Springfield. For the cost of yet another move, Michele and I could return to our house, and basically our life prior to last March. As an added bonus, she now has the ability to work as a college instructor from home teaching via the Internet. Oh, and we wouldn’t have to sell the house at a loss either.
Last week, I was approached by the major player in the contract here to see if I would be at all interested in pursuing employment with them. A “promotion” as it were, from sub-contractor to employee. To even be asked about my interest was very flattering, and I have enjoyed the rush I’ve had ever since. It would mean committing once and for all to the path here in KC. It would mean finding a way out of the financial quagmire we left behind in Illinois.
This all brings me to the pickle. I’m currently employed through a local firm where I am enjoying low-to-middle quality benefits. I have on the table before me two options: (1) Retreat to Springfield, sacrificing professional opportunity in order to avoid financial setback, or (b) Upgrade my employer (which may spawn a third option: increased compensation from the current employer) to a national player and pursue the sheltered lifestyle we had grown to appreciate in Illinois here in Kansas. (Staying here and staying with the current employer (even at a higher rate) seems to be the worst of both options, so it really isn’t being considered.)
I’ve never played two (or more) potential employers against each other before, however, I am think that is my next step. With a job offer in hand, and being currently employed, I have very little to lose by precipitating a discussion with the firm that approached me last week, to find out exactly what they had in mind for me. If they balk or back away I’d rather find out now, while I still have an open offer. If they are serious and can make me some firm assurances then I can make an informed decision regarding Illinois.
Or I could just huddle in the corner of my bedroom, rocking to and fro, humming to myself.
In the parking lot where I work there is a car sporting a bumper sticker that reads “Slavery, Fascism, Nazism, Communism were all ended by War.” It just amazes me that someone would actually believe this statement.
Economic slavery exists in the world today. From sweatshops in this country filled with frightened illegal immigrants to countries whose entire economy is based on harsh working conditions and extremely low wages, slavery exists. War didn’t end it. (And the war I suspect the sticker is referring to, the American Civil War, wasn’t fought to end slavery; it was fought to prevent the Northern states from losing their economic advantage by having a large inexpensive work-force in the Southern states, i.e., slaves.
Fascism is alive and well too. Depending upon how you define fascism, a strong case can be made that the United States of America is teetering on the brink of becoming a fascist state. War hasn’t ended fascism, in fact the mere fact that we are fighting in Iraq furthers the argument that we are inching toward fascism in America.
Nazism, while no where near as powerful as it was in the 1930s and 1940s, still exists as a political party in the world today. There are neo-nazi groups in the United States and in Europe. War may have ended the occupation of Europe by Hitler, but it did not end Nazism.
Communism, too, hasn’t been ended by war. The old Soviet Union collapsed under its own weight. Communist China is still communist, and Cuba has stood for over 30 years as a communist country. To say that war “ended” communism is obviously untrue.
That someone would buy and apply a sticker that promoted war as a solution because it “ended” all these bad things, is a strong indication to me that America is populated by people with no critical thinking skills whatsoever. We are so indoctrinated to believe what we are told without reflection, that we are susceptible to false claims. The recent right-wing victory in the US Presidential election is a prime case in point. There were numerous false allegations made and yet no one noticed because, ‘if it’s on the “news” it must be true.’
With the exception of slavery, Nazism, Fascism, and Communism all relied on a populace that was willing to go along with policies and direction from their leaders without questioning the basis for those policies. And in the simple application of a patently false bumper sticker here in America’s heartland, I see the same willingness to be blindly led into disaster.
War. What is it good for… absolutely nothing.