I have been doing some tidying up among the many files, templates, and settings that make this site work.
I added a link to the site itself from the referers page. Ever since I posted information linking to the Panther preview, and other new goodies from Apple, I have been getting tons of hits to my refer page. Once there it isn’t obvious how to get back here, hence the new link.
Also I am in the process of making each section of this page a template module so that I don’t have the same code repeated in multiple places. You should see no difference as a result of these changes, but it will save me maintenance time.
Lastly, I’ve added a link in the menu to my professional self. You can visit partition software as you wish now.
I understand that my default mode, if you will, is depression. I have to actively work at being not depressed. At times this is easy and at other times it is extremely difficult. Lately I have had a hard time staying just mildly depressed, I have been slipping in to deeper and deeper levels of helplessness and in activity.
I find my mental processes paralyzed; I am unable to think clearly or make decisions. When I try to go to sleep I have difficulty achieving any kind of rest, and once I am asleep I don’t want to wake up. I am increasingly angry and I lash out at my wife and my cats. I take my frustrations out on store clerks and wait staff. I am not doing a good job of taking care of me right now and therefore I am not doing a good job of living in my truth. My false-personality is running the show and running me into ruin.
I need to take time for myself. Real quality time where I can set aside all the distractions I use to hide from the truth. Reading a book or playing on my computer feels good in the moment, but those activities just mask the underlying problem. I’ve never really tried to have quiet, distraction free time for me before. I am not sure how to do it. I know that sounds silly, but when was the last time you took time just for you and didn’t have any distractions or avoidance’s?
I guess I’m talking about a form of meditation or contemplation. I need a way to calm myself and focus on me. I’ve taken in so much of the world around me lately that I am having trouble seeing my perspectives right now. Instead I am trying to see everyone else’s viewpoints. And, worse, I am trying to take care of everyone else instead of myself.
I am a creature of habit and I find comfort in those habits. However, if I am “self medicating” with some or all of a habit then it is hurting me in the long run, no matter how good it may feel in the short term. I need to break out of my normal routines and challenge some of my touchstones. I’m not saying that anything I am doing is bad or wrong, just that keeping to the same patterns when they aren’t working is perhaps not my best course of action. As Michele says, doing the same thing repeatedly expecting a different result is the definition of insanity.
If I can examine, question, challenge, and flex my current habits and routines I may find a new, and more productive outlet for some of my current emotional energy. If I can release the downward energies (those that spiral towards depression) in a constructive way I can get back to a more neutral balance again. Once I am balanced I will be able to take on the world again.
I already feel a reluctance within my towards changing and altering my habits. I know that this is a sure sign it will be good for me. The reluctance is my false-personality trying to keep me trapped. My truth is that I am not helpless, nor out of control. Overcoming this false inertia won’t be easy, but it will be very good for me.
I had a good cry yesterday afternoon about my whole employment situation. All the fears and worries I’ve got about my future came bubbling up to the surface and I came apart.
It started after Michele and I had spent a wonderful day together, including a roast turkey dinner and a trip to look at a potential job site for her. Our new kitten, Taz, was jumping all over my desk. She had managed to walk across the laptop keyboard in a way that caused it to lock up, forcing a reboot. I got very angry at her and stomped off through the house telling Michele that I needed to be away from Taz.
Of course this didn’t work as Taz followed me to every room I went. Eventually I ended up on the couch, and when Michele found me there we talked. She pointed out that I looked very sad. When I tried to answer her the tears just came. I cried and cried. The release was tremendous. I talked about feeling like a failure at losing (maybe) yet another job. I was able to say to her that I was sorry for dragging us all over the country from job to job. I told her that I would understand if she wanted to go back to Tampa where she is professionally known so she could restart her career.
The release at saying all my stuff, and having a good cry in the process was immediate and profound. I felt lighter and better the rest of the day. I could see clearly again that we have many options and that the situation here isn’t hopeless. Once again I learned the value of a safe place to fall. Without Michele to lean upon I would never have been able to sort through all my emotions about this and I would end up making the situation worse.
If you are fortunate enough to have someone special in your life that you can open up and come apart with without fear, then you are truly fortunate. I consider myself to be the luckiest man alive because I have Michele and her love to support me no matter what.
I lov eyou Michele. I truly, honestly love you.
In a previous version of this site I used to have a counter showing the number of spam I’d received since January 1st each year. I grew tired of having to update it every few days and took it off the menu on this site design.
However, I am still keeping track of my inbox, and I am getting spam in record numbers. In the 30 days of June I got 5,859 pieces of mail I consider spam. This brings my yearly total for 2003 to 31,859.
I’m averaging 5309 spams a month, or 176 spams a day this year. In 2002 I only received 25,569 spams total, or an average of 2,130 spams per month and 70 per day.
It seems to me that the number I get jumps to a new level every so often. I’ve been holding steady at the 170 mark for a while now. I expect that to increase to 240-250 any day now. I’m not sure what causes the sudden increase, but I am aware of it when it happens.
AlterNet is carrying a copy of Senator Robery Byrd’s, June 24, 2003 speech regarding the cover up by President Bush and his administration over the actual threat Iraq posed to the United States in the months leading up to our invasion, and subsequent occupation, of that country.
I wish I lived in West Virginia so I could vote for this courageous man for taking a stand against the whitewash the conservatives are spreading over their actions.
Please go read the speech and then write your congressman or senator and ask them why they aren’t standing up and asking the same questions as Senator Byrd.
Yesterday was the keynote address at the World Wide Developers Conference Apple is hosting in San Francisco. During his two hour presentation Steve Jobs offered up these new goodies:
iChat AV Public Beta and the iSight video camera.
The iChat upgrade adds both audio and video chats to iChat’s abilities – allowing users to communicate with friends and family over long distances. The sofware supports Apple’s new iSight video camera which provides 640x480 Full Motion video at up to 30 Frames Per Second.
The camera also has a microphone and interfaces to your Macintosh via Firewire.
The public Beta of iChat AV is available now. The final iChat version which supports Jaguar will be sold for $29.95. Users upgrade to Panther, however, will get the final iChat AV version included.
Today, Apple officially announced the PowerMac G5 – dubbed the “world’s fastest personal computer” as well as the first 64-bit personal computer.
$1,999: Single 1.6GHz G5, 800MHz Bus, SuperDrive, 3 PCI, 80GB S-ATA HD $2,399: Single 1.8GHz G5, 900MHz Bus, SuperDrive, 3 PCI-X, 160GB S-ATA HD $2,999: Dual 2.0GHz G5, 1GHz Bus, SuperDrive, 3 PCI-X, 160GB S-ATA HD
The revamped machine contains all new hardware and subsystems… providing dramatic performance improvements over current systems. Systems will not be available until August 2003, according to Jobs.
Apple released Safari 1.0 Today.
The final version of Apple’s Web Browser provides the following new features:
Apple demonstrated Panther for the first time today. Jobs touched upon a number of new features in Panther:
Finder - Now metal with a “user-centric” model. Screenshots depiced a new area for volumes/iDisks/folders on the left hand side. The action menu gives you access to labels and other contextual comamnds.
Exposé provides an easy way for users to find windows in their clutered screens. The demo of Exposé drew oohs and aahs from the crowd as the windows move out of the way in a fluid motion.
Fast User Switching - lets you switch between accounts without quitting running applications. It also adds a bit of Apple Flare - with your old screen rotating out on a 3d cube.
Mail - the new version can organize by “threads” rather then individual emails. Performance is also improved.
FileVault - offers security for your home directory.
Preview - is noted to be the fastested PDF viewer around - which would be a significant improvement over the current incarnation. Fast text searching also included.
Font Book - the new Foot Book lets you install, preview, search, activate and deactivate fonts you need.
Faxing support throughout Panther.
Xcode - for developers - faster build times, predictive compile, distributed building, and more…
The world’s fastest personal computer.
Remember a few days ago when Senator Orrin Hatch decided that software piracy was punishable by destruction of computers? Well a bored and unemployed System Admin in Houston smelled a rat when he was rooting through Hatch’s website source. As it turns out Sen. Hatch is a common software pirate himself." (originally on slashdot)
I current work as an independent consultant for the Illinois Department of Human Services. I have been on contract here since October 2000. The state elected its first democrat governor in 24 years last November and life has been very interesting ever since.
The new governor has made no bones about making drastic cuts in spending in order to combat a 4.8 billion dollar budget deficit. One of his targets is consulting; Governor Blagojevich claims that the state is spending “two to three time the market rate” for its 512 consultants. Using figures his office published it appears that the state is spending $72 million a year for these 512 people. This works out to roughly $70 per hour per consultant. The state also says that the fully loaded cost of a full-time employee is $50 per hour. No wonder the state has a budget deficit, they think that 70 is “two to three times” greater than 50.
As a consultant I understand that my time at any client is limited. Get in, do the work, get out. I’m fine with this style of working. I have been a consultant since 1997 and I have worked for manufacturing, government, and private industry in that time. In each case it has been understood that when the project was completed I would move on to something else.
At IDHS the project isn’t completed, but since the state is broke they need to let us go anyway. Okay. So why then, did I get a call today from a Chicago-based recruiter looking for my skill set for a large, multi-year project in Springfield? The recruiter admitted that it was for IDHS, further he said that his firm will get new 3-year contracts provided they can bid their resources at 15-20% less than the current contracts.
I haven’t been offered a chance to re-bid myself at a lower rate. In fact I have been given 90 days (500 hours) notice; my contract was extended “while we sort out what happens next.” It appears from my phone call today that the extension was merely to keep staffing in place while new people could be contracted and brought into the fold. Unfortunately the Forte (Sun UDS) community is small and getting smaller all the time. I have talked to two firms this week (one I called, and the one that called me today) about Forte work in Springfield.
I explained that I would be happy to switch my contract in order to keep working here. I really don’t want to relocate again if I can avoid it. The recruiter was going to double-check that he can work with me. He knew for certain that he couldn’t poach state-employees for this contract, but he wasn’t sure if he could work with someone already in place.
This, of course makes perfect sense, why would you want to contract a resource with several years of problem-domain knowledge, advanced levels in the various tools used, knowledge of the people and community, and already living in the area?
The only conclusion I can draw is that it isn’t about the money. And that powers that be in the state aren’t concerned with continuing the same level of support. They are interested in replacing anyone who was brought in under the preceding Republican administrations.
I guess I should get a big red “R” and pin it to my shirt everyday so that everyone will know I am an undesirable.
My short term employment future is looking better. My contract extension was picked up by the State so I am good for another 500 hours starting July 1st. However, my contract bid for a year long contract at another agency failed. The winning bid was less than half of my offer.
Being so far up one day and so far down the next has put me in a reflective frame of mind. I find myself trying to see this whole series of events not as obstacles but rather as an opportunity for me to grow. If I were to take the view point of many of my fellow consultants this the beginning of dark times. When I am at work it is very hard not to get sucked into that perspective.
When I am away from work I find it easier to see the whole picture and not just the fear based parts. Nothing is firm yet so acting as if this is all a done deal and reacting to it is foolish. Ignoring it altogether is just as foolish. Perhaps the correct response lies in a combination of the extremes.
I am not going to respond out of fear of the unknown. Jumping the gun will only hurt me as I would be running away from my fears rather than embracing them. I am also not going to hide my head in the sand hoping this will all blow over. I’ve opened myself up to alternate possibilities and I am focusing on what I want for me and my life. If something comes along that feels right I will act on it.
I believe that this is a life-test I created for myself. I need to have faith in my emotions as well as my intellect in order to succeed. I need to listen to my spiritual voice as well as the voice of reason. If I can stay balanced within myself, I will find a place in reality that is balanced for me.