I think the biggest issue I have going right now is battling to overcome the false-personality stuff that I got from my childhood, especially from my father. There is a part of me that shrieks at the idea of doing what I want to do rather than having a traditional job.
Even as I try to write about this I find myself being distracted by the fit of my shirt and the song playing on the Nomad. My false-personality doesn’t want me to go here, and doesn’t want me to break free of the chains that have held me here so long. A part of me doesn’t want to break free either, because I don’t know what the future holds then. Not that I can see the future, but for so long I was comforted by knowing that if I played the game according to the rules I would end up in a certain place. I thought that if I did it the “right” way I would get the “right” life. Now I know this isn’t truth, but for a long time it has been comforting to hide behind this falsehood.
Increasingly I can’t hide the truth from myself. Playing the game isn’t working. This isn’t a game to play. This is my life and it is only about my goals and needs. Everything else is false-personality at some level or another. Love is all that is real, and pursuing material or temporal things trying to stop the fear is just acknowledging that fear and giving it a stronger hold over me.
I think that when I try to think of what I really want to do that I think in my father’s way, which is to say in a mocking, you-can’t-really-get-that-anyway-so-why-are-you-trying sort of way. Do you understand? My greatest childhood dream was to sail around the world. My parents scoffed and this and laughed. How cute their little boy was, how precious were his foolish ideas. The scorn and ridicule I felt scared me deeply and now when I have dreams or ideas I take their role against myself. This is the anger I have in me, that I direct against myself. It is the anger of my parents. They couldn’t find a way to have what they truly wanted or desired so they were determined that I wouldn’t have it either. Sure, they mouthed the expected ‘I want my child to have whatever he wants’ party line, but in truth my going directly after what I wanted scared the piss out of them and they didn’t know what to do about that. So they teased me and laughed at my ideas and I turned that in to anger at myself.
I need to ruthlessly identify all the little tapes that I play that hurt me. It isn’t the big things that are important but rather the little petty issues that bring me down. Both of my parents are nuts about changes in the routine, my mother especially. It wasn’t until fairly recently in my adulthood that I understood she had so many control issues about food and the timings of things. I see those same habits in myself and I almost can’t stand it. I want to be spontaneous and flexible but it is so hard to overcome the years of conditioning that they taught me, and that I rigorously applied over and over and over again. As Michele would say, I have a deep neuro-pathway for some less than helpful behaviors.
I am running out of steam here. I know that I have barely scratched the surface of this issue. But I have scratched it and I will dig deeper. Right now I need to stop and take care of me again.
Yesterday I went to the store, shopping list in hand, and managed to find every item on the list except for rye bread. When I got to the bread aisle there were hundreds of loaves, in dozens of flavors. Flavors that I, quite frankly, don’t want to even try, much less eat. But no rye bread with caraway seeds. No seedless rye either. I realize that living in the Midwest you have to give up some more cosmopolitan treats, but rye bread?
I wish the bread makers would stick to the basics, white, wheat, and rye, before coming up with oat bran nut and oatmeal potato. It’s the yeast they can do…
For 8 years in my thirties I studied karate. In that time I grew emotionally, spiritually, and physically. I need structure, and an outlet for my growth then, and karate was the perfect answer. I was able to achieve some small measure of outward success and a much larger degree of inward success.
A change in my employment situation forced a separation from my original dojo. At the time this was a bittersweet experience; I was ready to take a break from the rigors of training and didn’t know how. At the same time I was giving up what had become a major piece of my life. After relocating 2000 miles away in Washington State, I started looking for a new dojo. None that I visited seemed to fit. In the end I told myself that I was truly finished with the physical aspects of the martial arts.
However I continually returned to the question of working out again. For a time I did work out with a group in South Carolina, when we lived there. It wasn’t a satisfying experience. I was rusty physically and couldn’t live up to the mental image I had of myself. Also the dojo politics were a bit much, and in the end I just stopped attending.
Now, after a third major relocation, I am back to where I started, only miles from my “home” dojo. I have been here for over two years and I have yet to even stop in for a visit. I have been afraid to go; afraid to even openly look at the reasons why I am scared.
When I was active in the dojo originally one of my needs that was being met was that of “parental acceptance and approval.” Though my efforts I excelled and advanced through the ranks. My sensei was proud and let it show. Pleasing him to get his approval was a major factor in my dedication. Over time I gradually “grew up” and needed less and less “parental approval.” Like any parent-child relationship, mine had reached the point where it was time to venture forth on my own. Now that I have been gone for almost 5 years I don’t know how to go back, even for a visit.
Like a child who is grown up and successfully living their own life, but who feels awkward around their parents; I feel awkward about showing myself at the dojo. Where before I wanted and got approval for doing things right; now I want peer respect for having made my own way in the world. But I am still slightly unsure of my self in this relationship because even though I am an adult in the world, I still feel like a kid at home that is the dojo.
Another aspect to this tangle is my desire to once again feel the camaraderie that existed when I was working out there. The bond that I formed with my fellow dojo mates was forged in blood, sweat, and tears. The sense of belonging was intense; and now I feel like an outsider. Even going to visit will remind me of the fact that I am no longer a part of the core there. Like a distant cousin, I feel I would be welcomed, but not truly a part of the family.
I think that there is a element of dissatisfaction in my life right now. I need to sit down and figure out what needs I am trying to meet these days, and where I am failing to meet them. Wanting to return to the dojo is merely an outward expression of some approval/acceptance/affiliation need that is currently unmet. I am not saying that going back to the dojo is a bad idea or wrong. I am saying that going with unexamined needs will only lead to disaster.
I think Michele and I will be having a long talk about this so I can hear myself better. She is very good at calling me on my little self-delusions and at not letting me get away with self-defeating behavior. Actually, I am pretty good at that too… it just helps to share it with the one person I trust and love more than any other.
I have been gone from work for 17 days, and today is my first day back. Every one here that I visit with knew that I was going to Hawaii with Michele for a week long cruise, all expressed interest and envy in my fortune. Several were adamant about wanting to see pictures as soon as I returned.
So where are they today? I realize that it is only 8:30 in the morning, and many of them have only been here a few minutes, but my expectation that one and all would stop by to see me has been dashed. I am feeling intense rejection right now.
You see I spent the past 17 days with the most wonderful, considerate, caring, loving individual I have ever known, my beautiful wife, Michele. To go from the warmth of her love to the cold rejection of the workplace is cruel. I am trying to steel myself back to the level of guardedness I had before my vacation but it is so hard. For the past 17 days I have been able to freely and openly express how I felt in the moment because it was safe to do so. Michele understands the need for emotions in the moment. My workplace doesn’t understand the need for emotions at all, in the moment or otherwise.
The sting of this apparent rejection hurts. I cannot deny that to myself even if I know I dare not show it to those around me. I feel so lonely here. I miss my true companion so very much in this moment.
I want to be home with Michele.
Friday, December 20, 2002 Springfield, St. Louis, Honolulu A huge, long day of travel. Leaving from Springfield was the best decision we made about this part of our trip. Baggage check and security too a grand total of 30 minutes. This included waiting 10 minutes for the security personnel to set up for the day.
The flight out to Honolulu was full. Our seats were at one of the bulkheads, which gave up some extra legroom. However, it put us right at the mid-plane galley and lavatory station. By the time we reached Hawaii we were exhausted.
The ground transportation to the hotel was a bust. We were at one exit and the representative insisted that we had to walk to another exit she estimated was at least 10 minutes walk away. We refused and took a cab instead.
The hotel was a welcome sight for weary eyes. Our room was spacious and comfortable. After a light supper of room service appetizers we went to sleep.
Saturday, December 21, 2002 Honolulu, North Shore Oahu Saturday we were both feeling much better. We rented a bright yellow Jeep and toured the island on our own. It was wonderful. We could stop at the beaches to wade in the surf or take pictures. It was relaxing and perfect.
In the afternoon we were feeling a bit jet lagged again so we watched “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” on the hotel’s pay-per-view system. It was wonderful.
Sunday, December 22, 2002 Honolulu, Norwegian Star Sunday morning we had room service for breakfast and waited around for our transfer to the Norwegian Star. We were both anxious about getting to the ship and getting through the check in process there.
The NCL representative who handled the bus loading was rude and abrupt. Neither of us was prepared for her curtness. The ride to the harbor was quick and enjoyable. The mass of people swarming around the pier was huge. The ship itself was even bigger.
Our wait in line wasn’t too bad, and within 30 minutes we were able to enter the pier itself and then rapidly moved to the Latitudes line, as we had sailed with NCL before. We were issued our room keys and ID cards and went up the escalator to the boarding platform. Once on board we were asked to follow a crew-member to our cabin. Even though we insisted our cabin was on the port side of the ship, he insisted on leading us half the length of the ship on the starboard side before admitting he didn’t know where our cabin was located. It was frustration to say the least.
After resting for a few minutes we went in search of food. Imagine our dismay to discover that the only food available until dinner time was cafeteria style. I hate buffet food as it has been picked over by all who proceeded me in line. Our dismay was heightened when we prevented from joining the line as “it vas closink” according to the crew member. We had to go out by the pool to eat hamburgers and hotdogs instead. Joy.
Back in the cabin we were both upset and spent some time expressing our displeasure with this whole experience. By allowing ourselves the chance to say all the petty little things we were feeling we were able to get past the emotions raging inside of us. After resting for a while we decided to try the Italian themed restaurant for dinner. It was reasonably good. By 10 that evening we were both asleep to the gentle motion of the ship.
Monday, December 23, 2002 Hilo, Hawaii and at sea When we awoke on Monday we were already docked at Hilo Hawaii. This is the big island, although the cloud cover prevented us from seeing very far. We had never intended to go ashore at this port, preferring instead to spend a day aboard while everyone else was off. It was wonderful.
We discovered the “Blue Lagoon” snack bar and enjoyed some fried rice and hot wings. We played cards in the game room and sat on the deck enjoying the cool breeze.
In the afternoon we attended the art auction and much to our surprise bought 5 prints, including 3 Thomas Kinkade’s, an Alexander Chen, and a Winne-ther-Pooh sericell. We also received a free lithograph by Perez that we both adore. It was much more than we planned on spending but a steal we couldn’t pass.
That evening we dinned in the SoHo, a Pacific Rim style eatery. The food was good, and we enjoyed ourselves very much. That evening we went to the ‘Stardust Theater’ to see the magic act. We enjoyed ourselves immensely.
Even though the seas were a bit rougher this night, we both slept very well.
Tuesday, December 24, 2002 Christmas Eve and Michele’s Birthday At sea The atmosphere on board was totally different this day. With 2700 passengers and 1100 crew on board the energy level was much different. The quiet spots we had enjoyed the day before were gone. We opted to spend more time in our cabin.
We were discovering that the breakfast and lunch fare wasn’t all that special. Eating in the dining room meant they brought the food to you, but it was little better than what you could get in the Market Cafe buffet.
I explored the Internet Cafe that afternoon and discovered that my mother had sent Michele an e-mail wishing her a Happy Birthday. It was very special and touch Michele deeply. One of the highlights of the trip for her.
Since it was Michele’s birthday we ate at ‘Le Bistro’ the French theme restaurant onboard. It was fabulous. They had all of Michele’s favorites on the menu, French Onion soup, Escargot, Fillet Mignon, Spinach salad, and Chocolate Fondue for dessert. The wait staff was superb and we even allowed our picture to be taken by the ships photographer.
After dinner we went to the forward lounge and enjoyed the evening’s comedy act. All in all a perfect day for both of us.
Wednesday, December 25, 2002 Christmas Day Fanning Island and at sea The day dawned cloudy and raining. The seas were running about 12 feet and the ship was moving quite a bit as we neared Fanning Island. Due to the roughness of the ocean only about 800 people managed to get ashore at all before shore leave was cancelled. It took a couple of hours to recover the people from the island. We headed north once again. Not getting to see Fanning Island left most of the passengers restless and upset.
When the captain announced that the ship had experienced a generator failure that meant traveling at reduced speed; and that we would miss Maui altogether as a result; the mood started to get ugly. We were as upset as any onboard as Maui was the one island we had wanted to see no matter what. We had booked a whale watch cruise from Maui that we were now not going to enjoy.
To substitute for Maui the captain picked Hawaii, again.
That evening we had Christmas dinner in the Aqua, our “assigned” restaurant. We were not impressed. They were ill prepared for the crowd of people at 8:00, and the service was very slow. The turkey was okay, but our table was out in the open and I was continually jostled as wait staff moved behind me.
We retired to our cabin early.
Thursday, December 26, 2002 At Sea We worked at focusing on enjoying our time together and setting aside the disappointments of the trip itself. Sheltering ourselves from the increasing emotional tension of our fellow passengers was getting tougher, however. Except for the lucky 800 who went ashore at Fanning, everyone on board had been trapped there since Monday afternoon, and many were upset by this.
We amused ourselves with gin and cribbage, and reading. We did spend some time out on deck enjoying the sea air.
That evening we dinned at the ‘Ginza’ for Oriental style food. We were massively disappointed with our experience there. I ordered Peking Duck, which I had enjoyed years ago, and was not prepared for the presentation style at all. The skin, instead of being crispy the way I had remember, was soft and barely cooked. Michele’s tempura noodles were equally disappointing. We left after barely touching our food at went to the Blue Lagoon for their fried rice. Knowing that we were missing Maui, and having this poor dinning experience was one of the lowest points of the trip.
Friday, December 27, 2002 At sea and Kona Hawaii Our arrival at Kona in the afternoon was meet with great anticipation by all on board. Most wanted to get on solid ground after more than 96 hours at sea. We wanted an empty ship to enjoy once again.
Since we had left US waters we all had to clear Immigration before doing anything else. Our number was called within 30 minutes of the start so we cleared very quickly. However, some were not so lucky and missed at least half our 5 hour stay in Kona, waiting to be cleared by customs.
We did enjoy having the ship ’to ourselves’ for a couple of hours that afternoon. In the evening we ate dinner in the Versailles Restaurant, where we had been enjoying breakfasts and lunches. It was very nice, but still not up to the standard we had enjoyed 3 years ago on our Alaska cruise.
While Freestyle cruising may appeal to many people, it was not satisfactory to either of us, and we will not subject ourselves to it again.
Saturday, December 28, 2002 Nawiliwili Kauai After sailing in more rough seas we arrived at Nawiliwil Kauai for our last port of call. For the first time since Sunday we went ashore. Our inner ears, now accustomed to constant motion, gave both of us the sensation of swaying even when standing on solid ground. I kidded with Michele that it was an island, and therefore it was floating under us.
We took an all-day tour to see the island, including stops at Waimea Canyon, the deepest canyon on land in the Pacific, Waimea River, where several major motion pictures have been filmed, and the Fern Grotto. We enjoyed the tour, but since it was the sole tour we got to complete it had a lot of pent up expectations to meet. It was fun to see some movie film sites, and we got lots of pictures of scenery.
Back on board we decided to skip our last restaurant reservation and ate in the Versailles dinning room again. It was fine and we were both sad and knowing it was over, and ready to be home at the same time.
In our cabin we packed our bags and settled in for the night.
Sunday, December 29, 2002 Honolulu, plane We were up early and raring to go, only to wait and wait to disembark. Finally ashore we found our bags and boarded our tour bus for the Historic Honolulu and Arizona Memorial Tour. The idiot driver decided to reverse the tour and we visited everything we didn’t care about first and went to the Arizona Memorial last. By the time we arrived at the Arizona it was 10:30 and the line meant we would have to wait until 1:30 to start the tour. The estimated tour time is 75 minutes. The driver was telling us it would take 2-3 hours to clear security at the airport. 1:30 plus 75 minutes is 2:45. 2:45 plus 3 hours is 5:45. Our flight was scheduled to leave at 6:30. This left us no time to eat or relax before being stuffed into the plane for 9 hours.
We were extremely upset at this situation, but in typical don’t-give-a-shit island fashion the driver just smiled and shrugged when we complained. In the end we took our luggage off early and got a taxi to the airport. It meant missing the Arizona, but by now we were tired, hot, sweaty and just wanting to be home.
The plane wasn’t completely full, but those passengers with empty seats next to them laid down before take off so it was impossible to stretch out at all. We had a long, uncomfortable, largely sleepless flight to St. Louis.
Monday, December 30, 2002 St. Louis, Springfield, home We got to St. Louis at 6 am and discovered an earlier flight to Springfield that we could make. After a short wait and bumpy flight we were back in our own town. It felt very good.
Because we were on an earlier flight there was a slight mix-up with our luggage but it was quickly resolved. By 10 am we were home.
All in all we had a wonderful vacation from the ordinary routine. There were aspects of the trip that were unsatisfying, but they didn’t overshadow the time we had together. Spending a week at home after the trip was incredibly nice, and it gave us a chance to be together at home when I was completely removed from work.
I’ve added some more flotsam to the sidebar. This year to make my spam count more interesting I’ll be comparing it to last years count. So far this year is running about 3.7 e-mails to 1. In other words I should see roughly 94,000 spams in 2003.
I’m gonna need a bigger hard drive…
During our trip home we were both shocked at the numbers of people coughing. On our last tour bus we were surrounded by hacking and coughing. At least one woman wasn’t even bothering to cover her mouth. On the plane there was more coughing.
I have had a runny nose and slight headache ever since we got home Monday. Yesterday it blossomed into a full-blown cold. Why am I not surprised?
For the last year I have been keeping every piece of e-mail I received. In total I got 37,122 e-mails between 1.1.2002 and 12.31.2002. Thirty-seven thousand, one-hundred and twenty-two.
Of this total 11,553 were e-mails that I wanted to read. The remaining 25,569 were what I consider to spam. E-mails that were sent to me from people unknown to me that I didn’t want to get. Porn, drugs, credit, mortgages, and various other come ons.
This gives me a signal-to-noise ratio of 45.18%. For each e-mail that I wanted to get I got slightly over 2 that were spam. And the pundits predict that spam is still on the increase. Maybe as much as three times as many spams in just a year or two.
Just for grins, my contribution to the noise level was a mere 370 e-mails sent.
Michele and I are finally home from our 10 day Hawaii Cruise Adventure. We had a fantastic vacation. Being able to spend hour after hour with my Love, uninterrupted phones, computers, TVs, etc., was wonderful. We connected at a very deep and real level.
Parts of the actual trip were less than what we had hoped for. Norwegian has changed their approach to cruising to a relaxed style they call “Freestyle Cruising.” Basically this means a budget minded approach to everything, including the food.
Combined with equipment failures that forced the cancellation of the Maui stop altogether, this new style of cruising was not popular with any of the other passengers we talked with while on board. We will not be cruising with Norwegian again.
The flight ordeal to get home has left me fuzzy headed and dopey. I’ll write more once I figure out who I am and what time it is… lets see 2:10 pm here is only 10:10 am there, but I’ve been up since 6 am yesterday their time so it’s really much too long since I’ve slept.
Michele and I are immensely enjoying our Christmas time cruise to Hawaii and the Pacific. The day of travel Friday to get here was very long, but went as smoothly as one might expect. Flying from Springfield was a HUGE improvement over flying from St. Louis. We cleared baggage checkin in 10 minutes flat, and security took only a few more moments. Ha! This more than wiped out last year’s 3 hour marathon at the St. Louis terminal. The plane ride to Honolulu was long. Very long. Very, very long. Longer even. By the time we reached our room we were both exhausted. Room service and bed were all we accomplished that evening.
Saturday we rented a Jeep of all things and drove ourselves around Oahu exploring. The north shore is incredible with its lava outcroppings and huge surf. Sunday dawned and we returned our Jeep and waited for the bus transfer to the Norwegian Star.
The transfer was smoother than we expected but not without difficulties. It took about 90 minutes to complete the bus ride and check in process. The last leg of the process was being led to our cabin. Even though we told the crew member that our cabin was on the port side of the ship, he insisted on leading us down half the length of the Star on the starboard side. Once at the aft end of the ship (and seemingly close to California after all the walking) he admitted he was new to the ship and didn’t rightly know where our cabin was.
Our stress was compounded when we tried to find something to eat. The only food service open was outside by the pool, complete with hundreds of people, screaming children and a live band. Finding a crew member who could understand us was next to impossible. Our cabin A/C wasn’t working either, so our room was hot and stuffy. Eventually we were able to get a maintenance man to come and fiddle with it. After an Italian dinner we thought the cabin was a little cooler.
On Monday we sat and talked about the stress of the travel and being tired. In a complete reversal from Sunday we had a fabulous day. As most of the passengers were ashore in Hilo we had large spaces of the ship to ourselves and we enjoyed every minute of it. In the afternoon we attended an art auction and added 6 new pieces to our collection. The collection now stands at 6 pieces. We were able to get 3 Thomas Kinkades for a fraction of gallery prices. Also a Winnie-ther-Pooh cell from Disney, and a Chen of Yosimite. The last one was a free lithograph that we both love. It was exciting and felt very adult to get art at auction.
Today we are at sea on our way to Fanning Island. It is about 1100 miles south of Oahu! Almost to the equator. We are spending a quiet day in our cabin. Later we have Michele’s birthday dinner set for Le Bristo, the onboard French restaurant.
We are having a wonderful trip. Merry Christmas to all.