Sorry for the lack of posts here lately. I guess I have been doing pretty good on the whole. I’ve been feeling tired a lot lately and finally decided it was stress from work. I have managed to take some time off here and there and that is helping. I took last Friday off, and this coming weekend is Labor day. So a couple of 4-day weeks ~ that’s nice.
In mid-September we are taking a 5-day mini-vacation to western New York to visit the “I Love Lucy” museum and one of Michele’s many childhood homes. I am very much looking forward to be cut off from the world for 5 days.
And it’s only 119 days until our Hawaii cruise in December… not that anyone is counting.
I recently came to understand that I have ADD or attention deficit disorder. I used to laugh at all the people who had all these kids who were labeled ADD. I though it was just some passing fad in the medical world to bilk people out of money for drugs and treatments. I would say that had ADD been a term when I was growing up I would have been tarred by its brush.
I guess the jokes on me.
For the most part I am able to handle my ADD but there are triggers that set it off. When I am, for the lack of a better word, lucid, I understand all of this and it makes sense to me. However, when I am in my ADD state I can’t hold a thought much less understand why I feel like I’m coming apart at the seams.
Today when I got home from work the cleaning lady was still there. This upset me greatly and my sweetheart and I ended up driving around in the car so I could be someplace else while the cleaning was finished. I was able to talk out my feelings and discover some of the underlying emotions that occur with my ADD. Emotional expression in my house growing up was something frowned upon. Or at least that is how it felt to me. The salient point is that I didn’t learn how to fully express my anger, sadness, upset, etc. What I did do was internalize most of my stronger emotions. When I did express emotions I felt that I was told to stop and I eventually started to feel guilt about having them. I started to think that no one else had them and that I was somehow strange because I did.
Being in a situation that feels like my childhood, a situation where I have strong emotions but for some reason feel I can express them, brings out my ADD. I can’t focus on anything and I want to do everything and nothing all at once. Today I wanted to be angry at the cleaning lady for still being here 6 hours after she started. But I couldn’t let myself because I felt like a kid again in my parents house. Cleaning was not something my mother enjoyed and it certainly wasn’t something you made waves around, if you knew what was good for you. I couldn’t allow myself to express my anger this afternoon because my inner child was still afraid of what would happen if I did. Only by removing myself from the situation could I calm down enough to comfort that part of me that was afraid.
I am not sure I fully understand the connection between these old emotional scars and my ADD, but I do see that they are somehow interconnected. More and more now I am aware of when I am ADD and my hope is that I will be able notice my emotional state during those times so that once I am “lucid” again I can sort out what is really going on. I guess in someway ADD is a defense against having to express strong emotion. Only I am not defending against any one except myself.
We had a good weekend. It was rough at times as I was doing a lot of emotional growing. The issues that I am getting down to are difficult to expose, let alone resolve. I fight against the changes because I am afraid of where I will be afterwards. Even though I understand that these changes are good for me and necessary for my continued emotional health, it is scary to leave behind what I have known for so long. Habits, good or bad are hard to break. Emotional habits are even harder because they are non-visual, you can’t point to it and say, “that’s that habit I am trying to break.”
Luckily for me I have a partner who is very devoted to me and who is willing to face my anger and fear without flinching. Because I am afraid I try to bully her into leaving me alone. If I were to be successful in that effort it would be to my detriment. Michele knows how to goad me into facing my anger so I can move past it to the real emotion underneath. Once I can expose that foundation emotion I am able to grow.
This past Sunday I faced some very difficult feelings about my parents, and about how I took things growing up. Realizing how my interpretation of events colored my feelings as a child, and further realizing that those childhood emotional coping mechanisms are not appropriate as an adult has allowed me to start developing more adult responses to situations.
For example, I react very defensively when people question what I’ve done. A seemingly benign question like, “I don’t understand why you did whatever this way,” can really set me off. As a child I took questions like that to mean that I had done something wrong. I grew to feel like I was being chastised whenever anyone would ask me anything about what I was doing, or how I was doing it. Today, as an adult, I need to stop filtering my interpretation of people’s questions through this childhood recognition model.
Sunday we had sweet corn with our meal and I made it first as is our habit. The corn was ready and eaten before the longest cooking part of the meal was started. When asked why I had done it this way I got extremely defensive and evasive. In the discussion that followed I finally got down to the understanding that my reaction had been one from my childhood, that the combination of my emotional state at the time, and the words used by my wife, triggered and old emotional response. Now that I know I have this response to this type of question my hope is that I can start to remove that response from my personality.
As for preparing the meal in such a way as to delay the main course, I believe that the part of me that wants to move on emotionally, deliberately setup this situation so that I would be questioned about my methods, thus triggering the discussion and growth that followed. Some would call this God, I chose to call it the TAO. Whatever it really is, it works for me because in the end I got the lesson and moved one step closer to understanding myself.
Do you have a car? If so, what kind of car is it? We have two cars, a 2000 Lexus ES 300, and a 2001 Audi TT.
Do you drive very often? The TT serves as my daily commuter vehicle. The Lexus is my wife’s primary car during the week. On the weekends we use the Lexus most of the time.
What’s your dream car? A Lexus LS 430. In Black Cherry with a cream colored leather interior. Also a Acura NSX. In any color.
Have you ever received a ticket? Yes. In 25 years of driving I’ve had three speeding tickets. Court supervision for two, so only one is on my official record.
Have you ever been in an accident? Yes. My father was driving and I was the passenger. We were moving through an intersection when another car struck us from the driver’s side. We did a complete 360 and ended up parallel parked, more or less. The car was totaled and we walked away unscratched.
In a “must win football game, your coach tells you to target the rival quarterback’s recent knee injury. Do you obey? No. Absolutely not. In fact I quit the team and report the coach’s lack of concern for other humans to the school administration.
Your cool new look gets you nowhere because your best friend looks like trailer trash. Do you avoid being seen with him/her? No. Friendship is based on more than looks.
When a young waitress leans forward to wipe tables, you have a magnificent view not meant for you. Do you keep looking? No. I’m married so I get all the magnificent views I want.
My wife is currently suffering from a pre-menopause condition that results in a continuous menstruation. She has endured this for 4 long years now. Typically this condition runs its course in 3-5 years. Ever day she must face the reality of bleeding. And every so often the reality of major clotting and heavy bleeding. It is debilitating, exhausting and extremely emotionally draining. She has faced this entire situation with grace and dignity. Not once in 4 years has she lashed out at me or anyone else as a result of her condition. She has, repeatedly and appropriately, expressed her emotions about her plight. At times she is so tired and distraught that the enormity of what she is facing overwhelms her and she cries and rages to release. Each time she finds a way back to herself, back to that incredible core of love and belief that keeps her going.
They say that courage is not the absence of fear but rather continuing in the face of fear. My wife has continued, and continues, everyday, in the face of fear. I could not be more impressed with her struggle. I have become a better man by watching her, helping her, and being there for her. I have gained new understanding of what is truly important in my life from her battle. The seemingly large issues at work and out in the “real” world, pale when compared to a daily struggle to face the world despite fears of embarrassment and censure over something out of ones control. Having possessions and money is insignificant when all you want is for the one you love to be whole and okay.
There is absolutely no one I place higher in my regard that my wife. I love her totally and with abandon. I freely give all that I am to her. And I joyfully accept all that she is and gives to me in return. My life, her life, and our life together, is real, grounded, and centered in truth.
I lov eyou //\\
I am sliding into depression again and I am doing so largely without realizing it. I have been more tired than normal the past few days, and what sleep I do get is less restorative. All of this happened with out my awareness until just a few minutes ago when I suddenly thought to myself that I am depressed again.
I only recently admitted to my conscious self that I was depressive by nature. It was a startling confession to make and one that I am still sorting out. I know what the classic signs of depression are but they have been building and unfolding in my life without my conscious awareness. Now, for some reason I am able to see the signs and admit that I am sliding downwards once again.
I have been in a prolonged period of depression that varies in intensity for some time now, perhaps years. I am able for short periods of time to feel happy and to see the colors of life. When I slip down a bit though the colors fade and all I am left with are grays, muted and dark. Since this has been my default mode for so long it feels normal to me. A part of my mind is screaming to get out of this cycle, but it is so very hard to resist what has always felt good to me.
As I write these words I feel the emotions shifting inside of me, I can start to see the color of my emotions returning. The bright cheery colors of contentment, happiness, and joy are just visible around the edges. I feel that if I turn quickly enough I’ll catch a glimpse of happiness and then I’ll know what direction to head. However when I turn all I see is more gray, more dull muted shadows. How do I break these patterns? How do I rid myself of this malaise?
I don’t know the answers to these questions. For now it is enough to be able to name my nemesis and see it directly. The gremlin that is my depression hates to be seen, hates the light, the happiness, the joy of being balanced emotionally. If I don’t look to the sides and see him slinking along I will forever be trapped in this maze of depression. Only by forcing myself to constantly be aware of his presence can I see him and the poison he brings to my life.
I see my depression today. And in that seeing I am freed of its grasp for a time…
My weekend was filled with realizations, big and small. On Friday I took my Audi TT in for service. Some of the gauges were acting screwy and it needed to be diagnosed. I was given a VW Passat as a loaner car as it was likely the service would require an over the weekend stay. That evening my wife drove it and we both agreed that it was a much nicer car than we expected.
Saturday morning we took it out for our errands and as a result managed to lock ourselves out of our house. So we went by the Audi dealer to get my garage door opener out of the TT. While we were there we decided to look at Passats and the Audi A6 just for fun. As a result we had to deal with the salesman we’ve had out there before. He does not listen and is very good at a subtle hard sell. After about an hour and twenty minutes we had the information we needed and told him we were going to lunch. After we had lunch and went home I called and left a message for him saying that we decided to keep the TT, thanks anyway.
While I was out later that afternoon he called and badgered my wife about our decision. She told him our reasons why and he said that he’d call me on Monday. Obviously he feels that he will have better luck with me, another male, than with my wife. I am looking forward to shooting him down. I don’t like it when people dismiss my wife out of hand.
As a result of our encounter with this salesman, my wife got to some great new understandings about herself. The men in her family behave in much the same was as this man does. Abrupt, rude, incapable of listening, and condescending too boot. Dealing with the salesman had pushed some of her old father/brother buttons. We talked about this for quite a while and she got to some great realizations. One of the biggest was that realization that we don’t like situations where we feel like we have to take care of the seller, rather than feeling like they are taking care of us.
After a very good discussion where I got down to the childhood memories and events that helped to create my feelings about getting new things I was able to cry out a lot of old hurts and let go of them. Michele helps to create a wonderfully safe place for me to open these old wounds and heal them with love and patience.
In the end we decided to get her a new desk and let me use the one I had built for myself years ago again. Currently she is using the hand-built one, because, well, I don’t like to have the best for myself. However she feels guilty having a good one when I don’t. She wants a different one and isn’t nearly as picky about this as I, so we found one for her right away and have ordered it. When it comes and I set it up she’ll have a great new desk, which takes care of her. And I’ll have my own desk again, which takes care of me.
What is your lineage? Where are your ancestors from? My mother’s family is from Ireland and Scotland, while my father’s linage goes back to England.
Of those countries, which would you most like to visit? All three, but mostly Scotland.
Which would you least like to visit? Why? Um, England maybe. No real reason.
Do you do anything during the year to celebrate or recognize your heritage? No. My family isn’t big on celebrations so I didn’t grow up with that in mind. I’m working on it though.
Who were the first ancestors to move to your present country (parents, grandparents, etc)? Francis moved here in 1639. Woo-hoo.
It was an amazing weekend. Both Thursday and Friday evenings my wife and I had long, deep discussions about some issues that had started to build between us. We both work hard at airing out the little petty things before they become bigger, uglier issues that are impossible to deal with.
I am depressive and tend to take on more than I should as a result. I keep things in that should be said and I over react to little things making it hard to resolve issues. My wife has some fear of abandonment issues that get tweaked when I stop communicating openly with her. If only one of us is feeling out of control and responding from our negative side the other can usually provide enough support to create a safe place to fall, allowing the underlying issue to be expressed and resolved. However, when we both are feeling out of control life gets, um, interesting. Both Thursday and Friday evening we sat and talked for a long time about little things and big things. Tears were shed and hotter emotions given a place to cool. We started to come back to ourselves after about 6-weeks of gradually becoming more and more isolated. It felt good to reconnect to my best friend.