I have a collection of MP3 music on the PC I use at work. Most days I spend some time under my headphones listening to the music I like.
Only is it really the music I like?
Sometimes I find myself listening to things that I believe I like and I wonder, ‘do I like this because it does something for me or because the masses like it and I want to be like them?’
Wow. That’s pretty heady. More than music, do I like anything from my self, or is it all the result of wanting to be like everyone else? Eeeeuuuu. If I like things just to be like everyone else then am I really an individual at all? Or am I just a mirror of the fads, tastes, likes and dislikes of my generation?
I guess I am really starting to closely examine my motives for almost everything I say, do or think. What really makes me tick? Why am I me and not someone else?
What do you like?
Oh yeah?
For the past few days one of our cats has been acting very strange. We had a party to celebrate my 40th birthday on Saturday. Between my brother’s family, my parents and our friends from next door we had 14 extra people in the house (and out and in and out and in) for hours that afternoon and evening. Normally it’s just the two of our two cats, Abby and Nekko and us.
Nekko doesn’t much like changes to her routine. She is a cat of great will and usually gets what she wants through persistence. Having to stay hidden for so many hours must have been traumatizing for her. However, within a short time of the last guest leaving she was out exploring the scents and smells left behind.
Sunday morning she tried to jump up on our printer stand, which gives access to the neighboring desks. The stand is rather full as it also holds the TV cable converter box and a VCR. She has tried this path to the desk several times in the past with mixed results. Sunday was once again a failed attempt. Not only did she come tumbling down, as there was no place to land, but the remote, a cat brush, and a pair of scissors came tumbling down after her. She high-tailed it to the guest bedroom. We didn’t see her again until quite late that evening.
It is normal for her to “bed lump” for hours at a time. She burrows down under the spread and sleeps there for 3 or 4 hours at a stretch. We weren’t too concerned until that evening when we did finally see her again. Normally she announces her return to a room with a tribbling sound. That evening she slunk along the walls and when we noticed her she ran away to hide. She did make it to her food and water when we weren’t looking but disappeared as soon as we called to her.
Needless to say we were both quite worried by this radical departure in her behavior. We thought she might have hurt herself in the fall so we found her hiding place and caught her. She hates this. Hissing and growling until she resigned herself to the indignity of being held. I carefully felt all of her limbs and tail. Those and her torso all seemed fine. She did allow herself to be petted for a few minutes before slinking off to hide again.
By Monday morning we had worked ourselves up to a fever pitch worrying about her. Deciding that we needed the reassurance of a vet we got the dreaded cat carrier out and went looking for her. Nekko is a master at hiding. She never hides in the same place twice in a row, and she finds very unlikely places to secret herself. The first time we caught her she was under the bed. The second time she was hidden between the pillows at the head of the bed, where the spread is held up anyway, and she didn’t show. Crafty.
She fought going into the box, and cried piteously the whole way to the first vet’s office. The girl there was not helpful at all. Rather than hear that we had a potential emergency she want to lecture us on all the shots Nekko would have to have before she could stay. When we explained that we weren’t going to leave her and come back she seemed rather shocked. It was then we discovered that the vet himself wouldn’t be in until 2 hours later. She did find another clinic whose vet was already there for us. Back in the car, more driving and more motion sickness for our poor cat.
Dr. Atkins was wonderful. He was very gentle with Nekko and very understanding of our fears. He felt that she was fine, if perhaps a bit traumatized by all that had happened to her in such a short time. He said if the conditions persisted for more than a few days we should bring her back for some more testing, otherwise she should be okay.
She stayed hidden most of Monday. And we left her to her own company thinking it was what she needed. However, by Tuesday evening we were starting to get concerned again. This was a cat who plopped herself down in front of you multiple times a day and demanded attention. Now we weren’t seeing her at all. And when we did see her and spoke she ran away and hid. I did some reading on the Internet and discovered a page about feline depression. All of Nekko’s actions seemed to match the description given. The cure was to lavish her with attention and praise. We hunted her down and spent about an hour just petting her and talking to her. She didn’t resist and seemed to enjoy the contact. Later my wife carried her back out to the office area where all this began and Nekko allowed herself to be held for some time. Both of us praised her and talked to her. Finally she got down, but she didn’t leave right away. Instead she sat with her back to us. We both agreed that she must be mad at our taking her to the vet. Eventually she went off to hide again.
This morning my wife got up to find Nekko sitting in the bedroom with her. Normally Nekko gets up on the bed and sleeps with my wife once I leave. When Nekko wants to play she stands on Michele until Michele gets up. Weighing in at 15 pounds this is a surprisingly effective technique. She followed Michele to the bathroom and then disappeared again. When Michele went through the living room Nekko was sitting in the sun, a daily ritual for her before the Trauma. She stayed there for a while and then went back to bed lumping.
We hope that with some more praise we’ll get our precious, precocious, spunky, quirky, demanding little Nekko back.
We just got another of the ubiquitous AOL CDs in the mail. Usually we toss these without even thinking about it. But this one caught my eye. It offers 1000 “free” hours in the first 45 days of usage. Wow! 1000 hours. A “meg.” Hubba hubba.
Wait a minute… Just how many hours are there in 45 days? Hmmm. 24 * 45 = 1080. Oops. AOL can “give” you all this free time because you don’t have this much free time. They aren’t giving you anything at all. Plus, they are banking on the fact that you will forget to cancel if you don’t want the service, and if you do remember to, the calls and trouble to do so will prevent you from completing the task. Thereby gaining them a new customer for free.
80 hours of sleep for 45 days. That’s less than 2 hours per day.
Toss….
Update: I installed it just to see. I originally started using the internet via AOL 1.0. It fit on one diskette. This thing takes over 20 meg when it is installed.
By the way it is a nasty install - it changes settings in your copy of IE 5.5. Un-installing it doesn’t remove the residue. Editing the registry helps but still doesn’t get rid of the footprints. AOL SUCKS. But then, we knew that…
I think our lives are made up of two things, objects that we collect and the emotions that we associate with those objects. Our society today focuses all of its attention on objects. We are constantly bombarded with messages that tell us having objects is good. Having the “right” object will make us perfect. This pursuit of objects is the foundation of our consumerism religion. We are constantly in the pursuit of the right object so that we can be perfect for having it. Of course, we take everyone else’s word for what the “right” object is right now.
We have grown up believing that the real world consists of objects. Clothes, cars, stereos, televisions, computers, cell phones, houses, and so on. All these objects and more are used to define the measure of a man or woman. If you have a palatial house filled with expensive objects you are envied. You are a success. If you live out of a shopping cart on the street you are ignored and pitied, you are a failure. And yet when you start to look at the lives of those who have it seems they aren’t always happy. And when you look at those who haven’t, often times they are extremely happy and content. Obviously there is more going on here than meets the physical eye.
The other piece to this equation is emotion. Our society has made expressing emotion out to be a sign of weakness. It is something that is derided and scorned. We ruthlessly stamp out emotion in our young boys so they’ll grow up to be strong men. And then we wonder why a teenage male takes a gun to school and kills. We revere star athletes for their physical abilities while turning a blind eye to often drug addicted, petty criminal lives. Being a physical superstar isn’t enough without emotional depth.
When you were a child and hand made a birthday card for your mother she was overjoyed. The card was sloppily done and hard to read but the love and joy associated with it made it appear golden to your mother. She saved that card in her drawer for years. She takes it out and relives the rush of love and happiness she felt when you first presented it to her. She no longer has the object that was given as the “real” gift. Can you name the presents you got for your 5th birthday? Can you remember the first big birthday party you had growing up? I can vividly remember the skating party I had in the 4th grade where my whole class came. But I couldn’t tell you a single gift I got that year. The emotional gift I got was far more meaningful and important than the physical ones.
For some time now I have been focusing on my emotional growth. My lifestyle was not geared towards objects, nor did it support collecting new objects. I know that I have reached a new stage in this emotional growth as my lifestyle has changed to allow me the option of collecting new objects. Before when I had no choice but to resist temptation it was easy to stay focused on the emotional content of my life. Now that I can act on temptation I have to struggle against falling under the spell of objects for objects sake
The State Police here have an unmarked Mustang they use for speeding ticket revenue generation. From a distance you can’t tell this is a police car. Even up close it is hard to tell, the license plate is not a special government one and there is only one extra antenna. I’ve seen it in action a couple of times so I know what it looks like. This saved me the other day.
Coming home from work I go past the lake and local zoo. The road follows the shoreline so it is curvy and fun to drive. The Audi TT hugs the corners like it is on rails and it is fun to drive, um, aggressively. Last evening I was approaching the curve by the zoo when all of a sudden here was the red-and-white mustang glued to my bumper. We were at the bottom of a slight hill and I was going maybe 7 or 8 miles an hour over the posted 45. From that point on I stayed glued to the limit.
The cop stayed glued to my bumper, even tailgating. I got the impression he was trying to provoke me into speeding. As I turned onto the country road that leads to our house he followed. Just before our house the speed limit drops 10 miles an hour, as I slowed for that he got very close, again trying to push me I think. I could almost hear his frustration when I put my signal on and slowed to a crawl to enter our driveway. I stop at the end of our lane to get the mail. As I got out of the car the Mustang was already far down the road, accelerating far past the limit.
We don’t live in a police state, for which I am grateful. However, I wish someone would tell Officer Speed that
This is a prime example of the great leadership we can expect over the next 4 years!
“Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child.” Governor George W. Bush, Jr.
“If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.” Governor George W. Bush, Jr.
“Welcome to Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts.” Governor George W. Bush, Jr.
“Mars is essentially in the same orbit…Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe.” Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 8/11/94
“The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation’s history. I mean in this century’s history. But we all lived in this century. I didn’t live in this century.” Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 9/15/95
“I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy but that could change.” Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 5/22/98
“One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is ’to be prepared’.” Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 12/6/93
“Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things.” Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 11/30/96
“I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future.” Governor George W. Bush, Jr.
“The future will be better tomorrow.” Governor George W. Bush, Jr.
“We’re going to have the best educated American people in the world.” * Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 9/21/97
“People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history.” Governor George W. Bush, Jr.
“I stand by all the misstatements that I’ve made.” Governor George W. Bush, Jr. to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93
“We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe.” Governor George W. Bush, Jr.
“Public speaking is very easy.” Governor George W. Bush, Jr. to reporters in 10/9
“I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican” Governor George W. Bush, Jr.
“A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.” Governor George W. Bush, Jr.
“When I have been asked who caused the riots and the killings in LA, my answer has been direct & simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame. George W. Bush, Jr.
“Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it.” Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 5/20/96
“We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur.” * Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 9/22/97
“For NASA, space is still a high priority.” Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 9/5/93
“Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children.” Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 9/18/95
“The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that George Bush may or may not make.” Governor George W. Bush, Jr.
“We’re all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made.” Governor George W. Bush, Jr.
“It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.” Governor George W. Bush, Jr.
“It’s time for the human race to enter the solar system.” Governor George W. Bush, Jr.
Ten days ago I treated myself to a new car. My wife and I have been sharing one car for over a year. We were reducing our debt load and having just one-car payment made sense. Our financial status is better now and we felt it was time to have a second car. Since I am self-employed we opted to lease the vehicle through my company. The benefit here is being able to write off a considerable portion of the car’s cost on my taxes each year.
The original deal was simple and straightforward. Give the dealer the first month’s payment and drive off the lot in the car. We were very pleased. It appeared everything was going the way we wanted.
Trouble started quickly however. The leasing company was sticky about establishing my income. I am an independent software consultant. Currently I am sub-contracting through a friend of mine. Since I don’t have a written contract with the client, only a verbal one with him, I had to work hard to establish my income level to the leasing company. This took 4 days and numerous phone calls and faxes.
For the past few days I had though everything was clear and done.
Today I got a call from the Audi dealer. The leasing company now wants a down payment. Because it is a “used” car they will only cover 90% of the value, I have to pony up the remainder. It seems we were misled in the original deal, either through deliberate omission or incompetence. Even though we can pay, money is no longer the issue.
The issue for me now is taking care of my self. I am starting to regret taking the car because every day I get a phone call about it, about me. People I don’t know, and wouldn’t care to know, are making me jump through hoop after hoop just because they can. All I wanted was something fun to drive back and forth to work. The fact that a lease allowed us to get a very nice vehicle, and write it off in the process, was icing on the cake. Only now the cake is starting to go stale, the icing is separating and coming off.
I have 4 days to decide what to do about this. Do I pony up the money and keep the car or do I use this change of circumstance to back out of the deal? If I am going to be bitter about this deal for the life of the lease then there is no point in keeping the car. If my wife, who is a part of our company, is going to have negative feelings about this deal, then we should return it now. Neither of us wants to have some thing because of the thing itself. For us it is about the emotions and feelings we associate with the thing. One car is exactly the same as the next until we add in our feelings about it. Until all the trouble with this car started I had very good feelings. Now that I’ve had my integrity questioned, repeatedly; now that the deal I agreed to is being unilaterally changed; now I don’t have very good feelings about the car and possessing it at all.
I know that as I write these words I am not in a space to make rational decisions. We are selling our former house in South Carolina tomorrow and that deal has been difficult from the start. If the close happens as planned we will be free from all the negative emotion and pain associated with that deal. Having another deal seemingly go sour at the same time is almost too much to bear.
I know that I need some distance from the fresh insult of a down payment. I also know that I needed to share it here so I could get some understanding before making the decision.
I heard a joke yesterday about a group of terrorists who take a large convention hall full of lawyers hostage. They threaten to release one lawyer an hour unless their demands are met. I’d like to add realtors to this joke. A relatively simple transaction, the sale of an item, has been made hugely complex and intimidating by the group of people we call realtors. My wife and I moved from South Carolina to Illinois last fall. Our house there has been for sale ever since. When we originally made the deal with the realtor she said that if she was the selling and buying agent she’d knock 1% off the commission. At some point after the original deal she informed us that she was going back to her previous broker. At the time I didn’t think to ask about how this switch would effect our deal. I mean, a deal is a deal? Right?
It appears that a deal isn’t a deal. The new broker won’t let the agent set her own percentages. This a $1200 additional cost to me. At one time in my life I would have been really angry and hurt about this. Now I understand that holding on to the negative emotion this brings up only hurts me. I said my piece to the realtor, now she has to deal with her end of it.
I believe in karma - what you do adds to your overall “score.” Positive actions help your score and negative actions hurt your score. My realtor isn’t being positive about honoring her agreement with me. I have let go of the need to force the issue. I free her from any obligation to me. However, I cannot free her from the larger reckoning that awaits her at the end of this life. She has built karma about this, and she will have to pay for that karma.
This list is pure ego gratification. I have finally reached a point in my emotional growth and understanding that I no longer feel the need to take care of what I imagine the feelings of others to be. If this list is seen in a particular light by anyone reading it then they should understand that the light is shinning on them, and not on me.
1984 Pontiac Fiero
1988 Honda Prelude
1992 Mazda Navajo
1994 BMW 318i
1992 Lexus ES300
1999 Nissan Altima
Currently our stable contains these two beauties.
2000 Lexus ES300
2001 Audi TT Coupé
And if that isn’t enough, here are the motorcycles I’ve owned.
1986 Yamaha Riva 180
1988 Yamaha Radian 600
1988 Suzuki Katana 1100F
Life is good.
Tonight I became an uncle. My brother and his wife had their first child together. Riley Lynn Nichols. Born at 4:55 pm, she weighed 8 lbs 4 ounces and was 21 inches long. Even though I know that this lifetime isn’t about children for me it was hard to see them and all the attention they are getting. Society places such a high level of approval on parents that one almost feels criminal by not joining in. My wife and I have talked many times about children and the many options open to us should we want to be parents. The truth for us is that we aren’t destined to be parents in this lifetime. The lessons we need to learn are in other areas.
Having said that… I’m jealous. Rightly or wrongly I had always viewed myself as the favored son. Now I realize that this position has shifted to my brother. He has provided my parents with a grandchild. He is doing all the things that a good son should do. I am living my life as close to my truth as possible and yet I remain an outsider.
I would not trade my life or make other choices if I had it to live it over. I am content with who I am and what my life is, and yet… I would be lying to myself if I didn’t admit having the very human emotions of jealousy and sadness, along with my feelings of joy and love.
Live your life to its fullest, Riley. Have the courage to stand up for yourself and find your truth. The world wants you to toe a line, look inside yourself and find your own line. I know it will be hard, and sometimes the rewards seem slim, but in the end all you really have is your self.